Friday, November 21, 2008

Bike, Cooking, Bike, Cooking

My flow is shot. My words have run dry, but I'll work through it, choppily, if you let me.

* I hardly drive my car anymore, but I drove to the Co-op at lunch break because Maya had to use my bike yesterday. While driving I felt I was in the middle of swirling, heavy, metallic chaos that is barely contained by lines and rules. It's nutz out there! I never feel this way on a bike, which is ironic, considering the metallic chaos could f up my world in a heartbeat. But no, no such feelings when riding.

* While driving, I saw a bicyclist on the corner waiting for the light to change. He looked like a sales guy who I had hired to work for my company a lifetime ago. I laughed out loud remembering some of his stories like when he came in on Halloween dressed in a bike helmet, short button-down white shirt, skinny black tie, slacks and a pegged pant cuff. He was a Mormon, but the best part was that he had his 11 year old son wear the same exact thing and that's how they went around together trick o' treating. Or the time he got so drunk while at a party with his wife that he passed out when they got home, naked in the shower after turning on the water. He went down in a way where his left face cheek was covering the drain and water was starting fill the shower unable to go down the drain. His wife couldn't lift him because of drunk-guy-dead-weight syndrome and plus is face was suctioned to the drain. Firefighters had to come and unsuck his face before he drowned.

* I've been working a lot lately. Enough where I feel like a robot, a work robot, and it's kind of deaden my brain. I've taken on more work at the job, and after I took it on, I wondered why. It doesn't promise more money, certainly not more praise. The driving force was that I knew I could do it. I knew I could help straighten out the account I primarily work on, and I was tired of it getting so screwed up. But the price has been higher than I thought. I feel numb, like a machine. I wake in the morning and do five million things until I lay my head back down at night. I'm not sure what to feel about this. Because my brain is dead. RIP, brain.

* Husband came home the other night and Maya, Mina and I were all sitting on the same chair. Not a love seat or sofa and though it's a big chair, it's still a chair. More funny was that the pugs were trying to squeeze up with us too. Dog-pile on Mami (I won't say literally.)

* The thing is, is that I feel isolated lately. Lonely even. My husband has been working very long, hard hours -- hard as in slippery slope hard; as in he fights hard to win battles that are not beatable kind of hard; hard in that he wonders why the majority of people are lazy and he has to work to make up for it kind of hard. But he's carving out his mark in the world and where we're from, in our psyche, this is the only way to get any where. After work, Husband then plays hard. An understandable and necessary outlet, but I haven't seen him much in the last couple months. I miss him and sometimes I'm mad at him.

* But part of the isolation also has to do with the fact that most all of my friends are long distance or virtual. I am a work machine, a home machine. My children must share the same chair as me. The dogs too. But lately I feel a little adultless and lonely in all of that.

* Embarrassingly, all I can think to talk about any more is biking, my bike or cooking. I struggle to think of anything else. I feel my brain is stuck. I love those things, really, truly, obviously, but I think I'm boring people to tears.

* I went to a 4th Grade Parent Meet Up last night where only the parents of Mina's class got together to get to know each other. A lot of us already know each other from past years, but I met a new mom last night, new to the school. She's a scientist at UCLA where she teaches geology and researches cool stuff like planets under pressure. Then I realized I know three scientists that work at UCLA, two of them women, which gave me an instant pang of pride, oddly. So the cool scientist and I talked about earthquakes and minerals (a little) and then cooking. I'm proud to say I restrained from bringing up my bike. In my mind, I was thinking, Don't do it. Don't talk about biking; don't, goddamn it. But SHE brought up Top Chef so, cool.

* I want you to know that of all the people in the world -- grown or not grown --, I would most like to share my chair with the girls.

And my bike.


Marigoldie said...

I hear you on a lot of this. And your lists are as great as any post. Remember, peaks and valleys. Everything changes, and that's a good thing. Your brain will be overflowing soon. xo.

Michael B. said...

I'm a long time lurker and always find it interesting how often you are saying what I'm thinking:) I really enjoy your writing. The part about virtual friends is so true. I find myself wondering why all the cool people like Madness, and Marigoldie, and Maven, and Melinda only online. I also wonder why I never bother to introduce myself online, even though I feel like I know you all. So here I am, Michael, the girl, vegan, mom of three, avid transportational cyclist... Hi.

madness rivera said...

Michael, girl, where you been? Hi. So, here's a crazy story: I love the name Michael for a girl mainly because when I went to YMCA summer camp as a kid the most beautiful girls in camp were two sisters named Michael and Alan! When I saw Michael and Alan on your website I almost fell off my chair. But Alan is NOT your sister I also see. The website is gorgeous.

Thanks, A. Love ya.

greenish gold said...

It's never boring, NEVER! I have been entertaining ideas of baking as a business for years. You are part of what has kept that alive for me. Earlier this week I made the mental/emotional jump to do it & I took the plunge and committed to renting commercial kitchen space to bake and sell holiday baked goods. Within 7 days of my decision to do this I dreamed once of each of my grandmothers. A sign, I'm sure as I do not dream about them and I've never met one.
Today I shared w/ my mom that I had dreamed of both grandmas this week after making the decision and she said, "Well one of your grandmas was a cake decorator and candy maker (I knew this) and the other one was a cook (I had never heard this)" I asked, "She was a cook?" "Yes, she had a small restaurant for years." I never knew, ever.
Anyway, I feel blessed that I got a real sign.
And I feel blessed that you've been talking about the baking and the love for a year, because it was affirmation for me.

tara whitney said...

recin'hi stranger,
i am the same way, feeling like i have nothing to say, and nothing to talk about. life is day in and day out and its leaving me no room for thinking about what to write. i just do. and do. and do.


tara whitney said...

oh geesh-that "recin" was the word verification and i typed it in the wrong box. now i will try again. this time, its GUINC. haha

madness rivera said...

GG you kinda blew my mind with your comment. Thank you. I am so stoked and inspired by what you're doing. And I'll light a candle so that you KILL IT as a baker lead by goddess grandmothers every step of the way. Man, so great.

Hi Tara, I think you have your hands fuller than mine so I feel you.

Kristin C. said...

Like Marigold...I love your list.
Also, you totally inspire me, even when you feel uninspired yourself. Biking, cooking, mothering, wifing, living.

Sending you some good vibes from the midwest...all the way out to cali.

Kathleen said...

even your lists are great.
you are such a wise mama.

DJ said...

I totally get that fatigue where it feels as though you're on autopilot and I know what it feels like to be isolated too, living 200 miles from my hometown with no-one who really gets me within a 100 mile radius. Chin up, chuck, it's a tiring and tiresome phase and it will pass. And until then, you've always got your girls...

Anonymous said...

I hear your lonely. Sometimes when John is on a big project, I feel the same. I know nothing really fixes it, baring maybe bikes and cooking. But I want you to know that there is warm energy coming from my door for you and we can always finagle room for a tea - even if it involves crawling dogs and Mina/Maya's.

Also, I remember in cooking school, one of my teachers said that people who are drawn to cooking are people who want to change the world - right now. I know you feel that truth, too.