My flow is shot. My words have run dry, but I'll work through it, choppily, if you let me.
* I hardly drive my car anymore, but I drove to the Co-op at lunch break because Maya had to use my bike yesterday. While driving I felt I was in the middle of swirling, heavy, metallic chaos that is barely contained by lines and rules. It's nutz out there! I never feel this way on a bike, which is ironic, considering the metallic chaos could f up my world in a heartbeat. But no, no such feelings when riding.
* While driving, I saw a bicyclist on the corner waiting for the light to change. He looked like a sales guy who I had hired to work for my company a lifetime ago. I laughed out loud remembering some of his stories like when he came in on Halloween dressed in a bike helmet, short button-down white shirt, skinny black tie, slacks and a pegged pant cuff. He was a Mormon, but the best part was that he had his 11 year old son wear the same exact thing and that's how they went around together trick o' treating. Or the time he got so drunk while at a party with his wife that he passed out when they got home, naked in the shower after turning on the water. He went down in a way where his left face cheek was covering the drain and water was starting fill the shower unable to go down the drain. His wife couldn't lift him because of drunk-guy-dead-weight syndrome and plus is face was suctioned to the drain. Firefighters had to come and unsuck his face before he drowned.
* I've been working a lot lately. Enough where I feel like a robot, a work robot, and it's kind of deaden my brain. I've taken on more work at the job, and after I took it on, I wondered why. It doesn't promise more money, certainly not more praise. The driving force was that I knew I could do it. I knew I could help straighten out the account I primarily work on, and I was tired of it getting so screwed up. But the price has been higher than I thought. I feel numb, like a machine. I wake in the morning and do five million things until I lay my head back down at night. I'm not sure what to feel about this. Because my brain is dead. RIP, brain.
* Husband came home the other night and Maya, Mina and I were all sitting on the same chair. Not a love seat or sofa and though it's a big chair, it's still a chair. More funny was that the pugs were trying to squeeze up with us too. Dog-pile on Mami (I won't say literally.)
* The thing is, is that I feel isolated lately. Lonely even. My husband has been working very long, hard hours -- hard as in slippery slope hard; as in he fights hard to win battles that are not beatable kind of hard; hard in that he wonders why the majority of people are lazy and he has to work to make up for it kind of hard. But he's carving out his mark in the world and where we're from, in our psyche, this is the only way to get any where. After work, Husband then plays hard. An understandable and necessary outlet, but I haven't seen him much in the last couple months. I miss him and sometimes I'm mad at him.
* But part of the isolation also has to do with the fact that most all of my friends are long distance or virtual. I am a work machine, a home machine. My children must share the same chair as me. The dogs too. But lately I feel a little adultless and lonely in all of that.
* Embarrassingly, all I can think to talk about any more is biking, my bike or cooking. I struggle to think of anything else. I feel my brain is stuck. I love those things, really, truly, obviously, but I think I'm boring people to tears.
* I went to a 4th Grade Parent Meet Up last night where only the parents of Mina's class got together to get to know each other. A lot of us already know each other from past years, but I met a new mom last night, new to the school. She's a scientist at UCLA where she teaches geology and researches cool stuff like planets under pressure. Then I realized I know three scientists that work at UCLA, two of them women, which gave me an instant pang of pride, oddly. So the cool scientist and I talked about earthquakes and minerals (a little) and then cooking. I'm proud to say I restrained from bringing up my bike. In my mind, I was thinking, Don't do it. Don't talk about biking; don't, goddamn it. But SHE brought up Top Chef so, cool.
* I want you to know that of all the people in the world -- grown or not grown --, I would most like to share my chair with the girls.
And my bike.
One Girl, One Bicycle & a Winter Morning
6 hours ago