Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Spring Cleaning

I've opened up a chapter of AA, in case you've been wondering where I've been. The chapter is called Vegan Cupcakes Anonymous, VCA. I wasn't ready, before, to document hitting rock bottom though I do share in my meetings. I'm 27 days sober. There are a million reasons why a person turns to cupcakes, all varying in small ways, the underlying themes running deep and similarly: A form of escape. Feeling like one is on an emotional slippery slope. A cry for help. They are delicious. Cupcakes brought me instant comfort. I thought other bakers were my friends. And I won't lie, I used cupcakes to make a little side cash. When my non-vegan friends praised me for making them "healthy" treats -- when they said they could down 40 of them (who can't?) without guilt, I knew something was innately wrong with offering mass amounts of cupcakes to the masses and to myself. Before, I couldn't see what it was doing to me. Who ever does. I had strayed from the truth -- shielded myself from it -- under the excuse that the goods are vegan. Vegan processed foods are the prescription drugs of the food world; a wolf in sheep's clothing, and vegans ride the razor's edge of abusing them.

I've also started a tiny off-shoot of VCA called Soy Creamer Anonymous. I'm the only member so not so anonymous. I'm 8 days sober, which means I've had no coffee in 8 days because the only reason I drank coffee was to enjoy the glorious soy creamer.

Eight days ago I went high raw which means, 75-80% raw eatin'; back to good ol' fruits and vegetables, nuts, seeds. No coffee with soy creamer. No cupcakes. I can't say I feel fantastic yet, but intuition tells me to plod along. The detox has been fairly mild but interesting. There hasn't been maddening physical cravings. It has been more of an emotional detox, one of detachment from addiction where I used to hang my comfort hat. I've had a case of the Blahs. I don't even want a stupid cup of coffee. I don't even want dumb cupcakes. That makes me mad. I was really angry the first four days. Angry because food is fun, shitty food especially, and why couldn't I have any more fun? But my joints have been aching more in the last few months and my stomach has been upset and my skin looks a little rough and my belly is the softest it has ever been because my body is changing. All of this is less fun than highly processed soy shit and a dozen (fill in vegan sweets here). Way less fun. When my mood is washed clear, I know this is mostly about sprinting to face 40, not grumbling and whining and dreading. I've decided to welcome it, but I can't see doing that all clogged with evaporated cane sugar and nasty-ass palm oil.

I've just this second decided to open one more chapter called Talking About Turning 40 Anonymous. I'll try not to relaspe. I'll take it one day at a time. I'm 10 minutes sober.

This is all a work in progress. I've been brave. And I've been kind to myself because No Coffee is huge. I'm not sure I'll never have coffee again. I just think I won't ever have it every day again. Eating mainly raw isn't as hard as I thought though it takes concentration. It's easy when I concentrate and prepare. And it's easy to lose concentration at this point in my raw game.


acumamakiki said...

I'm so in love with your posts these days Madness. These posts speak volumes to me, especially when you talk of listening to your body. Reading here today has solidified what I already knew about an issue of 'giving up' that I've been going through. The physical part is (cup)cake, but it's the mental that's kicking my ass. Thank you for reminding me to keep it real. xo

Nicole said...

i agree with acumamakiki, that your posts speak volumes, they always have. i lurked around for a long time before i started commenting.

i'll join "talking about turning" with you, except in my case it's 30. we're all struggling to find what's right for us, and it can be a bitch. but, at least we struggle. we are alive.

and because i think so much of you and your posts, i would love to tag you with the thinking blogger award. if you're up for it, of course. check out my site the details are in my spc post.


Marigoldie said...

I remember how jacked up you were when you first went raw. I predict you'll get that surge any day now and blow your own mind with raw food awesomeness.

Oh that we could free our minds from those stupid addictions. I wish for just the POWER to do that, which feels more important than health or fitness.

Kathleen said...

i think i have eaten all the cupcakes that you haven't eaten...

i got the tape, by the way! i haven't had a chance to watch it, but i will sometime this weekend.

xo thank you!

Maven said...

Hm. You just got me thinking that I might try to go raw til dinner this summer. (Raw is harder to do here in the upper midwest year-round, as you might expect.) I think it'd be a good way to initiate (or support) the major changes that are a-brewin.

It ain't over til you're dead, is all I'm saying.

Smelly said...

Too much of a good thing, eh?

One of my fave Anne Sexton poems talks about being "loud in the house of (your)self" - you're cranking the volume up! Maybe you only feel like you're at 4 or 5, but the wheels are a'turnin' & pretty soon the windows will be shakin'. Makes me happy knowing your girls have such a strong, thinking role model.

One day at a time, indeed.

michelle/weaker vessel said...

Um, I'm shamefully addicted to Silk Soy Creamer, and I'm not a vegan. I'm not even a vegetarian. But I sho do like me some silk soy creamer. I recently read that too much soy can inhibit thyroid function, so I'm trying to step off a bit. But damn, it hurts.

Will be watching your progress with interest and concern. :::suerte:::

Anonymous said...

Hey I am 40 today, squishier and fatter than ever, thinkin about a gym membership, much easier than giving up coffee and, in my case chocolate pie!

madness rivera said...

Happy Birthday, Anonymous.