Wednesday, April 18, 2007

self portrait challenge - **AMENDED**

This is about how I feel. Really not able to get my footing as of late. Trying figure out my problem. It can't just be PMS. Can it? I just wanna lie in the sand and close my eyes for a minute. Just get my baring, my wits, my patience, my marbles, my balance. I'm anxious. I'm tired.

Other portraits of body parts here.

**AMENDMENT** Last night, I performed a regular Tuck-In Ceremony with the girls. A third kiss. A tenth hug. A "no you can't sleep in my bed." A "your foot wasn't hurting 10 minutes ago." Two sips of water, and the finale: "Enough already." I slipped into soft sheets next to Husband to read, and then I felt something very foreign to me, a feeling that I've felt so infrequently that each time I cock my head and poke at the feeling like I'm performing an alien probe. I felt nauseous. I stayed very still and ran my thoughts all over the nausea which sat on me like a beach ball. My mouth watered, and then from the hours of 9:15pm to 1:10am I threw up at thirty-five minute intervals. If I am not dramatic in life in general, I am a fantastically dramatic thrower-uper. I let it all out. Mad grunts during the act and between hurls, I release haunting groans that reverberate off the bowl. I stop no instinctual sounds. But as I threw up, I kept thinking maybe I haven't been surrendering to a mild depression but only bogged down by a stomach virus. I've never been so happy to vomit in my life. I didn't throw up the fact that I'm turning 40 in a few months, but every 35 minutes I slunk-strutted to the toilet and purged some of the doomsday about it. Maybe later, I'll be able to shit out the entire crisis.

I woke this morning at 5:30 with a surge of hope, overjoyed even. Today is one of my commute days to work -- an hour and a half away -- and I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it. I realized my job would be suspicious had I called in sick, a practice I have not done in a million years. But I bounced up, giddy and happy. I got ready and raced out the door to catch the sunrise on the drive in.


angela said...

love that foot ink!!!!
hope things balance out for you. really interesting about the whole soy thing, always learning from you. iam :)

Marigoldie said...


acumamakiki said...

I love your footsie tattoos so much - I've wanted tattoos on my foot tops ever since I saw yours. I think actually, when you first showed them is when I first found your lovely self here.

I'm hoping you're feeling better - there is something so cathartic and beautiful about vomiting, there really is. Not that I like it, in fact there's nothing I loathe more, but like you, I often see the purge as something bigger than just a virus.

You make turning 40 so beautiful Madness.....I'm so glad I found you in this cyber world. xo

Chris said...

Ditto. Like the tattoo's.

Irene said...

beautiful pics!!

and love the tattoos!! like kiki said, you make turning 40 just amazing and beautiful.

Smelly said...

Soooo that was it!!! Or, part of it, anyhow.
I experienced something similar a couple weeks ago. Felt alternately like puking or shitting myself for 5 days, with no relief. Actually thought I might be pregnant...until my ass opened up like a friggin spigot. I too, had never been happier to shit myself.
Barfing always makes me cry, it's a release on many levels.
LOVE your tuck-in ceremony.
Like everyone else, I dig your rosey toes.
Be well!

Vicki's Vegan Vice said...

I'm finally going to tell you that I really like you! I've been lurking and enjoying your writing style & photos for a while now...
40 is actually OK. Don't focus on the number, because it's meaningless and out of your control.