Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Little Madness in the Spring

A LITTLE madness in the Spring
Is wholesome even for the King,
But God be with the Clown,
Who ponders this tremendous scene—
This whole experiment of green,
As if it were his own!
-Emily Dickerson

Check this out:

Sasha Choi wrote that she was downriver.

Lazaro Best said, "With it prissy." And Lessi Queen states, "It is a McDaniel."

Wat said, "Deforestation oh!" Amie Hinkle told me her aunt be a chiff.

Gray Jeffrey warns of a WINDCHILL ADVISORY.

Pierson Z. Horace has a climate intensifier.

I think Eke was trying to tell me about a dine limit?

Shipping said, "It wasn't a Zeppelin as there was no engine noise . . ."

Ymallow Verbiage was all, "I go columnar."

I've been told hundreds of times that I've won an international lottery. Why do so many Nigerians need me to help them out? And why are so many trying to enlarge my penis?

My email spam has gone from annoying to perplexing. I understand the lottery/nigerian/penis-enlarging hustle, but what's with the interesting names and the odd subject titles? I was going to write them all down, if only to get good names for fiction, but 30+ a day is exhausting.

Other than that, not much to report. I feel very observing as of late, like I'm collecting blog-fiction fodder like chestnuts, storing them for a later date. Speaking of which, I saw Lauren Hutton at the Farmer's Market over the weekend. I think she's in her mid to late 60's and she's still stunning. I heard her voice first, gravely and low, talking about sprouted peas. I went to fondle alfalfa just so I could stare at her. I'm smooth like that. She was wearing a thin-strapped woven backpack and an olive, thick-cable sweater with large round wooden buttons. I nearly pointed at her to say, "I'm gonna age just like you, lady."

I suppose I'll report other recent star sightings just to make this post completely fluffy and meaningless, except for the Dickerson part of course:

* Flying back from the Florida tournament, David Hasselhoff was on our connecting flight from Vegas to LA. Now, I know all you ladies, and a couple of you fellas, want to know how he was looking; don't crowd, I'll get there. He actually looked better in person, but he was in super-flirt mode with whomever was his traveling companion. It was kinda gross, but I'm sure we all look the same to the outside observer when we're exercising our suave flirting stylings so, go ahead and get your flirt on Knight Rider!

* I saw Rene Russo at Whole Foods a little while ago. Holy cow, does she look fantastic in person.

Which I've come to realize that most celebrities do look better in person, like how profession golfers or tennis players or basketball players are EXPONENTIALLY better than even really good civilian players, it's like celebs are professional lookers. They just look that much better than the rest of us. Unless they've been hitting the juice and pills a little too much, then they look like shit like the rest of us. Oh, but Paris Hilton does not look better in person. I will mention that. I saw her at a fashion show for Husband's job a couple months ago. But maybe the juice and pills thing applies there. She was wearing a $4.99 platinum wig that fell to her non-existent behind. Her skin was trashed but heavily caked with foundation. Every few minutes she checked herself in a compact which made Husband and me laugh and roll our eyes and many other things to make ourselves feel better. Then I saw photos from that night and she looked 1000x’s better; the hair looked chic and pretty, the skin flawless. How’d did she do that?

All celebs are also WAY smaller in person. Almost always when I see someone famous I say to myself, "That looks like a tiny version of (fill in blank.)" Throughout high school I worked for an athletic shoe store and one night Madonna and Sean Penn (married at the time -- 'member that?) strolled in. I didn't notice them at first, but all the other employees scampered to the back to gawk. I thought to myself, Isn't that cute? It's a teeny tiny version of Madonna & Sean! "Let me know if I can answer any questions for you or get you anything," I said as they perused the shoe wall. She turned around with a disgusted, bored look on her face and he said with a smile, "Ok, thanks" which was kind of ironic because back then he was know as the dick.

* Barry Bostwick was eating Indian next to us last week. I only think of him as Brad, y'know?

* Toby McGuire and his baby's mama were at my fav vegan spot brunching a month ago. Maya was all, "Spiderman!" She hasn't learned how to play it cool yet which is why I didn't tell her about David Hasselhoff until after we passed first class. I didn't want her spewing quotes from Dodgeball, hoping for some interactive scene work.

* You know who's not tiny in person is Laila Ali who I saw at LAX a couple weeks ago standing six foot in the Starbucks line. WOW, she is fantastically gorgeous. We locked eyes for a second and I almost did a goofy wave. "Hi Laila."

* I gave Alfre Woodard my shopping cart at the market once 'cause there were no others.

* Christian Bale was loitering around our dance studio because his little daughter didn't want to leave.

* I saw Wade Robson twice in one weekend. Mandy said he was stalking me.

Enough of this garbage. The Dickerson thing isn't garbage, just the other stuff.


Marigoldie said...

Deforestation oh!

I saw Morgan Spurlock in Austin last week, who I know isn't exactly a celeb but I recall that you lub him. He was all cool in a denim shirt (as I recall) and a long scraggly Civil War beard. And I saw Paul Rudd a bunch, totally shaggy and loveworthy.

ESB said...

This topic may be garbage, but in your hands it's pure poetry. Totally, totally hilarious....

And I get those same exact annoying emails, too. Upwards of 50 a day. What IS that????

Jonathan K. Cohen said...

How did Ms. Hilton's photographs improve? Photoshop. I once found a P-shop tutorial on what retouchers can do to eliminate cover girls' bodily flaws; the techniques are amazing.

madness rivera said...

To be honest, Jonathan, I think Paris has perfected the art of getting her photo taken. The caked-on make up looks gaudy and sad in person, but it photographs perfectly. The way she stands, the angle of her face to show off her lovely cheekbones (I won't hate on those) -- she has it down to a science. However, most down-to-earth models will talk to high heaven about how most photos are airbrushed.

Nicole said...

fun post madness. i couldn't agree more that stars often look much smaller in person. i haven't had nearly as many sightings as you, living in the d and all, but...

i did sit next to carmen electra one new years eve in hollywood. i'm only 5'4 and she seemed itty bitty to me, well, besides the boobs of course.

cheers! and thanks for the march madness e-mails. i'm diggin' em!

Laume said...

The other day I almost cut and pasted a section of spam into my blog because it was so poetry-like. In fact, i think there's someone online who I've read their blog or something, anyway, who makes poetry OUT of spam. It isn't you, is it?

Spooky serendipity, I was just thinking of doing a post on "famous people you've seen/bumped into" on my blog. I got sidetracked, but still, it seems like ideas often float in the ether and numerous people pick them up at the same time.

angela said...

I love your sense of humor!

One person who was actually much bigger in person than I thought he'd be was Bill Clinton. Much sexier too by the way.

Mel said...

Check this out.

acumamakiki said...

I love all this goofy star stuff. I'd totally subscribe to People if it wasn't so expensive.

Kathleen said...

aren't we ALL going to age like lauren hutton? : )
i am hoping...

for some reason, i don't have your email addy please, email me and i will send you my address, cuz i would love to see that video!

happy spring to you, girlie.

my email: