Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Click of Time

I have realized that forgiveness between my mother and I manifests itself in small clicks on the dial of how we treat each other. If I want to forgive, and don't know how; if she wants to be forgiven, and wonders if too much time has passed, we are left with the only thing we know how to do: Act nicely towards each other. I am hospitable and accommodating. She is generous and nice. During each visit, we are a shade nicer and more hospitable. More importantly, with each visit we are a click more comfortable with each other. This is what I noticed most this weekend.

The more time we spent together the more I realized that a grand, forced Talk was less as important as this effort to be nice and this comfort, all built gradually and naturally. The effort and the comfort are the forgiveness, the asking for and the accepting of it.

Before this weekend, I knew I could not force feed myself the rhetoric of forgiveness. I didn't believe it possible to simply nod my head and say, "All is forgiven", even if this is the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been true. I hear that's what people do though. It's what happens successfully in the movies. Since this seemed impossible for me personally, I didn't think forgiveness would ever happen. I was trying to live with that, even trying to forgive myself for that. But forgiveness has been happening for years. We've chipped away at our shit for a long time, indirectly. As with all my transformations, practice creates a grove, creates rightness.

Blogging about this has helped exponentially. Release does wonders. And the supportive comments helped me beyond what I am able to express. You daughters and the mothers that shared related stories made me realize that even the most evolved people still suffer from busted relationships and that with clear minds and open hearts, we are all just doing the best we can. I feel part of a caring & brilliant community, and I am very grateful for that. Thank you.


acumamakiki said...

beautiful words.....the click of time. it sounds like it was better than you'd expected and that you are clicking closer to what your future holds with your mom.
i think my forgiveness is a disconnect in a way. i don't feel anything for my mom which sounds sad but doesn't sadden me. i don't give my past the power to cripple me or say that my life has been bad. it just is what it is. i wish i could click towards a future with my mom but i don't feel hopeful about that. with all the forgiveness in the world, my mom chooses to look at her life with a cup half empty and that negativity, that outlook is what i can't accept or make peace with.

your words have helped me feel more clear and comfortable with my own situation. thank you for that.

Maven said...

You know, it has been occurring to me lately that sometimes kindness is enough: it can function as a tacit acknowledgment that we have the power to hurt each other and so we will be conscientious and tender with the fragile eggs of each other's hearts. And maybe then the tenderness leads to the possibility of saying "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you" or simply "thank you" or "I love you."

madness rivera said...

A, I spent a very long time feeling the exact you way you do now. I think you had said you don't speak with her, which I didn't either for many years. I think my particular situation has evolved a lot not just because of me but because she has put in the effort too; not to address the past, but to do so much better now and with what lies ahead.

Maven, I think this WAS my big discovery this weekend. So much so that I don't even think of what the possibility of kindness can bring; but I revel in and appreciate this stage. Also, busting down the walls of HOW I should heal and forgive -- as long as I have good motivation -- has been completely liberating, and frankly an act of kindness to myself.

la vie en rose said...

i agree with you...i think forgiveness is a process. it takes time and happens sometimes with our intentional working towards it and sometimes as a gradual unfolding. i celebrate the new relationship you and your mother are working towards.

kiki said...

i gave up on forgiveness and chose acceptance. i accepted what happened (cuz you can't change that anyway)and i accepted who she was (cuz i couldn't do anything about that either) and, it took a long time, but i learned how to accept my feelings about it all.
i'm glad things are going so well for you. thank you for sharing your discovery.

Green Whale said...

I had an epiphany reading this blog. Small gestures of kindness can be enough -- this makes interactions with my parents so much more manageable, so much less combative. Not to be out to prove something to them, to argue on my own behalf all the time, but just to be nice in my everyday interactions with them, one tiney step at a time. Thanks, D,

tina said...

Keep blogging. Your insights are a gift to all of us, too.

andrea said...

the healing is in the release. I have always been amazed by the power that comes from release.

again, thank you for your honest words.