The Best Me
During the course of this past year, I gave birth to myself. Again. Or I simply shed something, shook off a casing, a layer. It was a subtle switch but sometime during this year, I started to become the person I've always wanted to be.
I became a better friend, a better wife, a better worker. I've always tried my very hardest (all-my-might kind of hardest) at Mothering so not much improvement there. I became smarter. And more patient, more organized, tidier. More compassionate. I became more fun, more relaxed, less defensive.
There wasn't a grand moment that this all happened. I've been practicing a lot, to be this person, so I'm not sure when it just became natural. But when I stop to think about what I'm doing, where I am, how I'm acting, what I'm saying -- this is how I practice -- my chest just rings now. I stop and listen to it ring. It's euphoric. It doesn't stop.
Part of why I feel this way is because I stopped thinking I had to strive for better when what I have right in this moment is absolutely right. Who I am, what I do, how I look, where I live, who I love, everything I have is perfect even if it's not perfect. It is all perfect.
I don't waste time wondering anymore if I deserve this or not. I don't wait for the other shoe to drop. I realized the wondering and the waiting and the striving were part of some vanity; only a residual, a ghost, of my beforelife. I let it go. It's a waste of living and it's a waste of my freedom. I still wrestle the past, but The Person I've Always Wanted To Be doesn't hang her hat on the Abuse Lessons, doesn't sport sorrow like a deep accessory. She just tussles with it when it comes up. She pets it with honesty and doesn't let it act out. "It's ok." The Person I've Always Wanted To Be feels what she needs to feel and tells herself, It's ok. This is all scarier than it seems. Sometimes it's difficult to kick away a crutch. But it's all absolutely right.
The Best Decision
No one on planet Earth or yonder can convince me that all of the above doesn't have to do, IN LARGE PART, with the fact that I became a vegan. NO ONE. The clarity with which I now feel and think came on as if the sun peaked out from behind an impenetrable cloud. Like a film was stripped off my mind. Like a cork was unplugged to allow my true self to spill out. This cloudy film was not just wiped away from my physical being, but mental and emotional as well. Veganism is the best decision I've made not just in 2005, but since I allowed myself to fall in love with Husband almost 10 years ago. Both decisions have been grand life changers, perfect life enhancers.
The Best Job
With all due respect to my current cubicle which I've pretty much transformed into a bachelor apartment, my favorite job of 2005 was when I worked at Mother's Market, a health food store & cafe, for the first six months of the year. I was a cashier and I ordered nutritional bars. I really loved the job. Except for two things: It paid about a dollar an hour and I couldn't check my emails during the day. But other than that, a dream. I loved talking to all the eclectic customers because Mother's brought out the most diverse and most interesting people in the OC. Who knew Irvine had a Buddhist monastery or that there were large pods of South Africans that live here? I didn't until I worked at Mothers or Mudder's as Mina used to call it. I would ask customers what they were buying and why, what was it used for. I learned TONS. Tons, I say. And my bosses couldn't believe how quick and efficient I was. I thought, Hmm I just owned my own company -- or ran it into the ground which ever way you want to look at it -- so this scanning and making change business I've got! They also remarked how well I handled stress. I said, "I just came from an industry where brokers threatened to hunt you down and take your life if you fucked them over, sssooo this upset customer is not such a big deal." I loved working with all the hip vegan 20 year olds which is odd for me because generally I don't like anyone under 30 (except Mina & Maya of course), but these kids were great. I visited Mudder's with Maya yesterday and hugged everyone and bullshitted. I miss having a work environment that smells like wheatgrass and patchouli, seriously. They asked me if I wanted to come back to work part time which secretly I'd love to, but I can't live without day-time email and internet I've discovered. And nobody can live on a dollar an hour. However, Maya proclaimed she would work at Mudders as soon as she could. She even asked my old boss how old someone needed to be to work there.
The Best Year
This year has been the best year I've had in a long time. I am very thankful for that.
Thank you 2005 for being kind to me.
Happy New Year, Familia