I Don't Heart Puppies

When I brought this precious little pug morsel home a few weeks ago, I believed she was a genius. She instantaneously peed and pooped on the puppy pads provided. She barked, "Voila! I produce pee and poo at will, wherever you humans like." She was a source of perfect joy for the kids, Lupe, my husband and of course, me. She's so cute I want to bite her face off. Mina constantly says, as if English is her second language, "She's too cute for me!" It's nearly with an accent.

But after one week of innate, perfect potty training, all hell broke loose. I'm convinced Lupe is putting her up to it, whispering in her ear to shit in random places around the house. We are all baffled including poor little Carmen. But seriously, if I were to carpet the house with puppy pads and a one-inch tile was exposed, she'd shit on the one-inch tile. I think we got so excited and full of praise when she first came home and went potty on the pads that she thinks relieving herself anywhere in the house will elicit the same kind of HOORAYS. "If you like what I've done on this little pad here, what do you think of This?!" Shits on couch pillow.

The worst is when she pees on our bed comforter. I mean, doesn't she know we sleep there? I don't piss in her crate though I may start. She doesn't even pee in her crate - so, what's up with that? When she does this, we turn into Caveman Trainers: "NO. NO. You pee there. NO pee here. ggrr." After three times of doing this -- my duvet cover has shrunk down to the size of a wash cloth -- we thought she was cured, that she got the hint with the caveman yelling. But the other night as we all snuggled in bed, Carmen romped with lightening speed to the end of the bed, copped a squat and peed. I had to rescue her from Husband drop kicking her off the balcony. He said, "If she shits on my pillow, Somebody is so out of here." So, as of right now, Carmen is banned from our bed which is a bit torturous as she whines to come up. Husband has a heart of ice! I mean, look at her face. She'sa too-a cute-a for me-a!

The whole family took both Lupe and Carmen to the vet two days ago for shots and check ups. Lupe has an ear-yeast infection -- EEWW. And the vet told us that little Carmen's nostrils are too slight which explains the little gulp of air she takes every minute. It sounds like a throaty, "howp," and it's the sweetest sound to my ears. The whole family does it now. We randomly "howp" at each other. The vet also said that Carmen may need surgery to open up her nostrils, and this caused my husband to burn a hole in my face with a wicked side glance. Howp. The best part of the vet visit was re-discovering what spaz'es we all are. When they examined Lupe and Carmen they took them to a room where all the healing magic happens, where only nurses and doctors can go and they enter this room through a swinging door. They attached our two dogs' leashes to some hook right behind the swinging door. Every time they opened the door to check on other animals or to bring an animal out, we'd see Lupe's huge pug monkey bear head peeking around the door. And every time we saw her, all four of us would yell in high-pitched delight, "LUPE! LUPE! THERE'S LUPE!" Every single time. Which was like, forty. And every time we yelled that, Lupe would try to escape but could only scratch the floor like she was running on a treadmill. We were ridiculous. Dog nurses shook their heads.

Anyway, I keep reminding Husband that Lupe was a little fucker too when she was a puppy, but he doesn't want to hear it because Lupe is on some Golden Pedestal that not even the kids nor I can compare. Lupe is Daddy's Girl and he says that our daughters like me best, and Lupe likes him best. And I'll bet big money Carmen will be daddy's girl soon too. As soon as she stops shitting on our couch and peeing on our bed. Howp.