Monday, June 20, 2005

TMI about the SPS

I went to Cheerleader on Crack's class on Sunday because I've been lost -- aimlessly allowing myself treats and snacks -- since the 10 Day Turbo Test! ended. Before class, she announced, "I'm gonna really work you guys today" and for her to actually say that means you better hold on to your ass and check out an oxygen mask from the front desk. COC Does Not Play. Sure enough, 30 minutes into the class, I was wheezing and gasping and sweating all over the place . . .

For those of you that don't know, I sweat like a pig. People like to cheer me up and say, "That's Healthy!" But whatever, it's kinda gross. What am I gonna do? I just accept that I have active sweat glands. Grosser still is that I sweat especially in certain areas of my body; odd areas, I would say. Like my shins sweat a lot and you wouldn't think that shins sweat that much considering it's only a bone and a thin layer of skin over the bone. Most embarrassingly -- which is why I'm blogging the entire world -- I sweat a lot in my pussy area. Not out of the pussy - uh, I don't think -- but just that area gets extra hot for some reason. Why? I have no clue; we'll just say That’s Healthy!

Back when Mandy & I owned our company, I went through a stint where I took dance classes at lunchtime. I would get in my dance pants and come back all sweaty. I decided to tell everyone in the office about the Sweaty Pussy Syndrome (SPS) before they noticed the dark discoloration of the dance pants; like a big circle highlighting my genitalia. I also decided to tell them before they thought I had pissed myself. I even pointed it out to our salesguy Scott because Fuck It, let's disarm everyone of the humiliating ammunition against me by putting it all out there first. Also, I really wasn't sure if this phenomenon was that odd or maybe it was one of those things that I thought was odd only because I kept it to myself. Turns out, it's odd. I said, "Scott, is it weird that I sweat a lot down there when I exercise?" And he'd stare, thinking, I can't believe she's asking me to check out her sweaty pussy. Mandy would say, "Dude, that is weird" every time I worked out. And every time I'd answer, "Right? Weird."

Last week this Turbo teacher named Danielle sub´ed for COC. She was wearing the cutest coral-colored capri workout pants that I fiercely envied. Mid-way through class I noticed a rust-colored line of wetness forming at the crease where her thighs joined at her vaginal area, like a sweaty V. I was like, "Oh look, she’s got a small case of SPS. That’s cute." I know, for me, it will be black dance pants, and black only, for the rest of my workout days because if I had been wearing those fantastic coral-colored capris, by workout’s end it would've looked like someone had thrown a pitcher of water at my crotch. Not pretty. I’ve accepted and embraced the fact that I have SPS, but I know my limits and I’m not trying to put a neon arrow to my affliction. I tested the colored dance pants theory once. I have the most beautiful pair of royal blue dance pants that fit like a dream and make me look B-b-b-bootylicious. When I had a trainer about a year ago, and on a day I was feeling especially fly, I wore the Royal Blues to my training session. I knew I had SPS then, but I was told the Royal Blues were made of some scientific material that deflects moisture which I'm sure is true for people that don't have an overheated pussy. Right before my trainer came to meet me, I panicked and decided there was no way I could go through a whole workout with him all in my space when all I would think about was a possible puddle in my pants. After my warm up, I tied my sweatshirt around my waist. We all were not ready for that jelly.

When I got home from COC's class Sunday, after I worked so hard as I have been in the last few weeks to get myself in great shape, my husband says, "Honey, you must've had a really hard class today." He was staring below my waist. I said, "Right? Weird."

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