self portrait tuesday

This is my third humiliating entry for the U-G-L-Y, I Ain't Got No Alibi, This Bit is Ugly! theme for February made possible by our friends at Self Portrait Tuesday.

WARNING: TMI SOON TO FOLLOW. WARNING: TTMI. You've been warned.

I've posted this entry before long ago when only a couple of my friends read the blog. One of whom I work with and she couldn't look me in the eye for a week after reading the contents. You've been warned is all I'm saying.

For those of you that don't know, I sweat like a pig when I work out. People like to cheer me up and say, "That's Healthy!" But whatever, it's kinda gross. What am I gonna do? I just accept that I have active sweat glands. But grosser still is that I sweat especially in certain areas of my body; odd areas, I would say. Like my shins sweat a lot and you wouldn't think that shins would sweat much considering they are only bone and a thin layer of skin. Most embarrassingly, I sweat a lot around my -- let's whisper -- vagina area. I don't sweat OUT of the china - uh, I don't think -- but that area gets extra hot for some reason. (Insert innuendous jokes here.) Why this happens I have no clue. We'll just say, It's healthy?

When Mandy & I owned our company, I used to take dance classes at lunchtime. I would change at work because there was no shower at the dance studio. And since I'd come back to the office all sweaty, I decided to tell everyone about my Sweaty Pussy Syndrome (SPS). I did this before anyone could noticed themselves the dark discoloration of the dance pants; a big wet circle that said, Hey everybody, look at my vagina here. I also decided to tell them before they thought I had pissed myself. I even pointed it out to our salesguy Scott because Fuck It, let's disarm everyone of the humiliating ammunition against me by putting it all out there first. I really wasn't sure if this phenomenon was that odd. Maybe it was one of those things that I thought was odd only because I kept it to myself. Turns out, it's odd. I'd stand in front of Scott with my hands on my hips and say, "Scott, is it weird that I sweat a lot down there when I exercise?" And he'd stare thinking, I can't believe she's asking me to check out her sweaty pussy. Mandy would yell out, "Dude, it's weird." She'd say this every time I worked out. And every time I'd answer, "Right? Weird."

Once, I took a kickboxing class from a woman who was wearing the cutest coral-colored pants. I fiercely envied those pants. Mid-way through class I noticed a rust-colored line of wetness forming at the crease of her thighs, like a sweaty V. I was like, "Oh look, she’s got a small case of SPS. It's that cute." And I realized that if I had been wearing those fantastic coral-colored pants, it would've looked like someone had thrown a pitcher of water at my crotch by workout's end. Not pretty.

I have the most beautiful pair of royal blue dance pants that fit like a dream and make me look b-b-b-bootylicious. When I had a trainer about a year ago, and on a day I was feeling especially brave, I wore the Royal Blues to my training session. I knew I had SPS then, but I was told the Royal Blues were made of some scientific material that deflects moisture. I'm sure this is true for people that don't have an overheated pussy. Right before my trainer came to meet me, I panicked and decided that there was no way I could go through a whole workout with him all up in my space and me only thinking about a possible puddle in my pants. After my warm up, I tied my sweatshirt around my waist. We weren't ready for that jelly.

Obviously Husband is very aware of my syndrome. And every single time I work out hard, he'll check out below my waist and say, "Good workout?" And I'll just shake my head and say, "Right? Weird."

Oookaaaaayyyy. So, there you go. Is February over yet? Wait, there's one more Tuesday left for this theme? Ug, better dig up that colonoscopy post.