A Natural Cookie Monster

When I became a vegan in February (2005), I also gave up refined sugar and processed foods and I began buying foods as organic as possible. For the most part, I have really stuck to this. Sugar was/is a drug to me; an evil, wicked, back-stabbing, two-timing devil of a drug and it makes me so foul-mooded that my lip perpetually curls hatefully, and in those moments, I have no recollection as of why I feel that way. I call it Sugar Blackout. Other processed crap just perpetuates the cycle; cravings are never satisfied, you just eat until you're vomitous. Or is that just me? To me the most important health change during my Age of Veganism has been giving up the processed crap. In fact, if a gun were to my head and I were forced to choose between a piece of smelly, samonila-infested, fleshy grilled chicken or 3 ding dongs and/or 4 Krispy Kreme donuts, I would have to choose the gross chicken option. The chicken may nauseate me, but I know that on the crack donuts I will be a mean-ass ciznunt that hates life in a matter of a half hour.

With white refined sugar a thing of the past for me, I have explored a million new options for a sweet treat. And I've realized that no matter how many food groups I eliminate, I will still be able to find a great cookie. If I boiled my eating habits down to simply spinach and tofu only, I guarantee you, I would find a cookie made soley of those two things. What I'm trying to say is that even though I'm not a hateful bitch anymore, I am still severely addicted to cookies. I just alter the cookie to whatever restriction I place on myself. My ability to roll within the guidelines is astounding.

My first cookie love in my Vegan Age was Uncle Eddies Vegan Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies. This cookie is a small coaster-sized orgasm. I once asked another lover of the Uncle Eddies how to curb the addiction to this piece of heaven. She said, "You have to eat so many that you literally can't ingest another for months." Unfortunately, I know exactly what she means. Here were the reasons I had to give up Uncle Eddies VPBCCC's: 1. I thought about them a good 15 hours a day. 2. They have approximately 17,000 calories in them, half of which come from peanut butter fat. 3. They are sweetened with organic evaporated cane juice. Now, doesn't "organic evaporated cane juice" sound au natural? It kinda is and it kinda isn't. I learned that this sweetener is a couple processes away from being good ol' white sugar. It's sugar with the minerals left in. But it's still sucrose which is the type of sugar that makes me crazy, makes my addiction well, addiction.

So, I narrowed my cookie selection to ones either malt barely sweetened or fruit juice sweetened. My new love is Michelle's Chocolate Chip cookies that are vegan and fruit sweetened. But I'm convinced a report will soon come out that these cookies have, all along, been laced with lard and pure corn syrup and pounds of white sugar. They are that good. They are beyond good. I saw a woman buying a bag once and I said, "I don't know if I can buy those any more because I just eat the whole bag." She said, "I freeze them and just eat one at a time." I immediately thought, "bitch." But I tried it. They tasted so good frozen, I ate the whole bag. FUCK ME. If I buy a bag of Michelle's now, I give them all out until there is only 2 left. The other cookies I will eat are Fabes Mini Chocolate Chip cookies which are pretty good, but not good enough to eat the whole package; precisely why I should really just buy those.

I read an article today declaring the Atkins, South Beach and Zone diets bullshit. They said their "diet" really worked though it was not really a diet. It said the key is -- and I'm not kidding --- Eat Less, Exercise More. And I immediately thought, Fuck you assholes. We're not morons. (Wait - are we?) On paper, eat less, exercise more is supposed to be so suprisingly simple that we, the masses, by god just . . .might . . .do . . .it. And I so plan to once I can find a way to squash the cookie addiction. Even Sesame Street has decided that the Cookie Monster has to cut down on so many cookies. I was so embarrassed. I used to think that the Cookie Monster was so my man. And now he has to announce that cookies are only a "sometimes" food. He's all, "Me love cookies. But me only eat them sometimes now." And I'm all, "Fuck you, Cookie Monster." And he's all, "Eat Less, Exercise More." And I'm all, "Fuck me, Cookie Monster."