They had forgotten, my bosses, about my 10am review on Tuesday. It was ok by then. In my mind, that is. I had spent the weekend realizing that their disinterest in giving us raises and their own self interest in fine sports vehicles and the gushy, never-enough broker life was not my concern or interest any more. It really isn't and why had I been so concerned about greediness and other things that I would not change any way? I had let myself get sucked into condemning an industry that has, in all honesty, gotten me from one point to another. Nearly 15 years ago, I pulled myself out of a manhole. I was covered in the sootiness of self doubt/no direction/no guidance -- I was like a wild animal -- and I demanded a job from a friend as a data entry and file clerk at a semiconductor brokerage. I was movin on up, it seemed. I was introduced to the broker life where no one else seemed to have college learning either. It coaxed me like sirens. I pushed my way into a demanding purchasing position and skyrocketed from there. I basked and rolled around in every handout and bump up and accolade, and I did the only thing that I do best, work hard. I'm a trabajadora to the end.
By Tuesday, I had let go of any ill will for my job, for my broker life. I hold true that all whores find redemption no matter how self defined. I am thankful for this chunky rich chapter that will close soon enough. I will even miss it. On Tuesday I still held a number in my mind for a little raise if they chose to pick up on it and extend the gesture. I felt liberated, supported, destined and divine. At 2pm, my bosses called me into their office via an IM that read, "MS. RIVERA, TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE." My heart was open and thankful. Whatever they had to say was ok by me. They said, condensedly: "We thought about what you said and we're going to give you a raise." And they said the same number that was on my mind even though I had not told them that number previously. I said, Thank you very much for recognizing that.
Shheeeetttt, my mind is mad powerful.
The raise did not suck me back in. I still feel liberated and destined for other greatness. And as soon as I see the slightest opening, I will kiss this industry on the forehead, thank it again, and jet without the slightest glance back.
In other powerful, Madness mind tricks, I've recently willed myself to become a fantastic vegan baker. Before veganism, I had zero interest in the simplest cooking let alone tackling the complexities of baking. Over the weekend, I read some tips on the art of cakes, bought a couple items and all of the sudden I'm churning out the bomb-shit cupcakes. Here's a lemony one with a cream cheese frosting where, in a fit of inspiration, I diced candied ginger on top. I am simply a channel at this point for a higher, cupcake power. I was going to take a picture of it whole, but I didn't do so in time. This morsel was calling to me from my desk. When I bake, I say to myself, Everyone who eats my cake-itas will experience joy and love and unsurprisingly it's true.
Sshhheeeettttt, watch out now.
Speaking of strong minds, here's a recent Mina School Outfit. Last week she emerged from her room in a whisk and sway of her teal skirt and said, "I'm ready now," her starred Vans peaking out below. I looked at her ensemble and said, "Perfect. Let's go."
Her school experience is better. I told her what I expected of her and she simply did it without grief or too much effort, like she hadn't been clearly told at school. She caught up on a ton of in-class work and she and I have been doing our At Home School for the Powerful Minds stuff. I emailed her teacher two weeks ago saying as much and that I'd like occasional feedback on her progress. The teacher hasn't emailed me back. Maybe she's too busy putting other geniuses in low-level groups. Tomorrow there is a class party and I'm thinking about cornering her uncomfortably.
Or maybe I'll just stop worrying about what the teacher isn't doing for Mina and just do everything that I can do for her. Everything will be fine because Mina doesn't slip under MY radar and because I am fully aware of her capabilities, and because we'll just make it so. We're powerful like that.
on silence and rotten teeth
5 weeks ago