Monday, July 11, 2005

Fair Shake

Whenever I mention the OC Fair, the most popular retort is to immediately yell, "FOOD ON A STICK!"

"Yea, the kids love that mama pig at the OC Fair--"

"I went to this booth and got cool henna art on my--"

People can't get fair food unstuck from their brain, and it's because it really is a phenomena all to itself that needs to be yelled out at the mere mention of the fair. I understand. The On a Stick craze I liken to when you read a fortune from a fortune cookie and you uncontrollably yell out "in bed" at the end of your destiny. "You will have much luck - in bed!" It's true with any fair food too; one can always add "on a stick" at the end. Battered, fried potatoes -- on a stick. Whole Fried Onion -- on a stick. Fried, What Is That a Pig's Food? -- on a stick. Diet Coke - on a stick. In fact, I talked to an expert OC Fair goer recently and she said one year she decided to get through the entire day at the fair without ever actually touching food with her fingers. She had Pizza On a Stick, Cheese (like substance) on a Stick and even topped off the night with Cheesecake On a Stick. Mission accomplished.

My family and I went to the fair on Sunday (FOOD ON A STICK!) and because of some mental sickness I have, my favorite activity is to stare at everyone at the fair and take inventory of what they are eating. Yeah, kids go on the rides. Yeah, honey go play the basketball game where the hoop is the size of a facet's washer - knock yourself out because I'm going to be staring at people slacked jawed like I'm invisible. Which I'm not, of course, and with the likes that come to the fair I need to be much more discrete or I could EASILY get my ass kicked. I had my vogue sunglasses on, the type that cover and wrap around 75% of my face so side-glance gawking went totally undetected. Awesome. Firstly, I know it was about 80 degrees on Sunday, but wearing jean shorts that cause yeast infections and cut off all thigh circulation are not a good time no matter what size you are. I do not want to be intimate with your pussy as it is clearly outlined through the shorts, right under the fanny pack. The titty show that goes on a the fair is pretty great too. All shapes and sizes are putting their titties on display; perky to spilling and falling. And I haven't seen that many home-done tattoos since I was hanging out in the Venice beach in the 80's. I was staring at a few thinking to myself, "What the hell does that say? Did they try to cross it out and start over?" Damn. It was bad.

And the food people let themselves eat at a fair (GROSS FOOD ON A STICK!) . . . When you walk around on hay and sawdust surrounded by the rickety clanking of rides and toothless operators and the smell of horse dung and the HARD CORE pitch of game vendors do you feel more inclined to eat some terrible fried shit -- on a stick? I did. I ate some fried sweet potatoes -- on a stick. And I haven't eaten anything fried in a nearly 6 months. I'm still paying the price for that. I even had a diet coke -- on a stick. And I don't even know why. I don't like soda. At one point Husband who, if you recall, is "hardcore militant" right now said, "I must succumb to the funnel cake (on a stick)." I was like, Really? I'm paying that price too, for his funnel cake submission if you know I mean. . .

I must admit that Husband and I are the type of parents that are a bit too suspicious. We discuss Getting Lost strategies. We roll play (me especially) the Stranger Talking To Them scenario. And we wouldn't let them go on the bigger, fast rides. We fear some bolts are probably missing and god knows if the bearded lady with the glass eye that's running the Whirly Twirly going 120MPH is really paying attention. We let them go on the kiddy rides because I am ready - and I feel able - to catch one of my kids at any time if they were to fall off. Seriously. I do not take my eyes off of them at any time believing one may slip out of the dinky little chair with the laughable "seat belt", or if something comes off the track . . . but I'm ready. I decided that since my kids are smart and strong I am also prepared to catch anybody else's kid that falls out of a kiddycarnival ride. It's my gift to them for staring at them for so long earlier in the day. Husband and I will also not let our children on the animal rides. Because I can't stop a charging elephant nor keep it from bucking my little girls off. Husband and I have watched too many sick, homemade videos for that to ever happen.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure why I go to the fair. We get suckered into eating terrible, cramp-inducing food - on a stick, we spent outrageous amounts of money for crappy face painting and kiddy rides that lasted two seconds, and I felt violated by the games vendors -- "Let your kid do one try -God, one try. I'll give her the toy for free. FREE! 3 shots for $20, COME ON! Isn't that worth your daughter's happiness?" -- I'm thinking these people should be on Wall Street or in a car lot at the very least.

I do love a good freak show though and just the staring alone is worth the price of admission for me.

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